Chapter 35

“Li Zhuiyuan, you're truly becoming more disgusting now.”

At this moment, Li Weihan, Cui Guiying, the various Li family siblings, along with Aunt Zhang and a few villagers who had come to the convenience store in the evening to buy things, all stared at Li Zhuiyuan with smiles and curiosity.

Everyone was quiet, and everyone was eager.

A simple yearning for beautiful things is human nature.

Nothing was more touching and comforting to the onlookers than a mother and son, though far apart, still able to hear each other's inner voices.

Li Zhuiyuan still tightly gripped the microphone with both hands. The shy expression on his face, far from fading, grew even more intense. He subtly turned his body a little, seemingly trying to avoid everyone's gaze, but in their eyes, it looked more like a child's playful feigned reluctance.

Everyone found this scene adorable, their smiles grew brighter, and they all slightly parted their lips, waiting for the next part of the conversation.

Although they couldn't hear the voice from the other end of the microphone, they could imagine what the child's mother was saying and asking through the child's responses.

“Mom, I’m doing very well at home. I’m being a good boy.”

“Shouldn't you be angry? Shouldn't you furiously smash the microphone? Shouldn't you cry or throw a tantrum? Shouldn't you question me, your mother? Oh, right, you won't. Heh, they're standing around you, watching you, aren't they?”

“Mom, I don’t really miss home. I’m very happy here.”

“Li Zhuiyuan, you've only just met them for the first time, and they're seeing you for the first time since you were born. So, is it really necessary for you to keep performing in front of them?”

“Grandpa and Grandma are very good to me. Panzi, Leizi, Yingzi, Shit头 (Stone), Huzi, and all my brothers and sisters are also very good to me. They all play with me.”

“Li Zhuiyuan, you are truly hypocritical. Deep down you look down on them, thinking they are ignorant and foolish, yet you still insist on cultivating your image in front of them.”

“The village is so fun! There are fields and irrigation ditches. I can catch fish and bullfrogs. Grandma's sauce is delicious, and Grandma said you loved it too when you were little, Mom.”

“Don’t you get tired, my son? Why are you so tirelessly dedicated to this game?”

“I also went to Aunt Xianghou’s house. Aunt Xianghou told me a lot about you from when you were younger, Mom. Many people still remember you.”

“I’m truly amazing to have given birth to such a disgusting son.”

“Mom, is your work busy? Grandpa and Grandma hope you take good care of your health, eat on time, and don’t overwork yourself.”

As Li Zhuiyuan spoke, he looked at Li Weihan and Cui Guiying. The elderly couple nodded vigorously, signaling Li Zhuiyuan to continue.

“I originally thought I could control it, but your birth was like a mirror, reflecting the part of myself I hated the most. Li Zhuiyuan, do you know that every time I’ve seen you these past few years, I’ve had to restrain myself from the urge to choke you. Every time you called me ‘Mom,’ it sounded like a demon’s whisper in my ears.”

Li Zhuiyuan listened and nodded. In everyone’s eyes, it seemed as if he were dutifully listening to his mother’s loving instructions. They seemed to guess that his mother must be teaching him various precautions over the phone: to be good, to be obedient, and not to be naughty.

“I understand, Mom, I know, I get it.”

“I try to mend this skin of mine, stitching it up every day. Every morning when I wake up, I stand in front of the mirror, repeatedly reminding and reassuring myself. But you, you constantly try to tear this skin off me. You are me, and I am you. Li Zhuiyuan, we, mother and son, are both monsters in human skin.”

“I understand, Mom, don’t worry, I’ll be obedient.”

Li Zhuiyuan held the microphone to his ear, swaying gently, like a child somewhat impatient with his parents' nagging, a little embarrassed, yet sweetly content.

“Your father helped me control my condition, and marriage offered me some help. I should have gotten back on track, until I gave birth to you. Your birth ruined all my efforts of so many years. In my eyes, Li Zhuiyuan, you are a mistake that should never have happened.”

“Mom, can you send some more snacks, like those cookies? We really like them. Also, some stationery. Everyone likes my pencil case, and I promised to give them some.”

Upon hearing this, Shi Tou and Hu Zi excitedly embraced each other.

“After discovering your true nature, I shouldn't have tried to find a cure for you. Each failed treatment for you felt like I was witnessing my own repeated failures. My life was already dim, and it was you who completely blocked out my last glimmer of light. Xiao Yuan, why don’t you just die?”

“Mom, you too.”

“If you had just died on your own early on, perhaps it would have awakened my maternal instincts, wouldn’t it?”

“Mm, I won’t.”

“I’m going to participate in a secret project. The risk factor for that project is very high. I don’t know if I’ll come back alive.”

“Mom, please take care of yourself. I’ll worry about you.”

“I'm telling you this because I don't want these truths to remain hidden in my heart if I die before I can tell you. I think we needed this kind of frank conversation. Actually, you've always known, haven't you? Just as I can see through you, you can also see through me.”

“Yes, I'm listening, I’ll remember, Mom.”

“This path, you chose it yourself. When your father and I divorced, despite his desperate pleas, you firmly chose to stay with me. Your father always thought I was sick, that I was finding ways to torment you two, causing you both pain. But what he didn't know was that his son was an even more terrifying demon than I am; all his expressions of fatherly love were, in the eyes of his beloved son, nothing but a clown show. He was heartbroken and has applied to join an Arctic scientific expedition. When I wanted to change your surname back, your grandpa disagreed, but you were determined to change it. Your grandma said if you went with me, you’d never be allowed back home, yet you still clung to my sleeve and left with me. Li Zhuiyuan, do you think doing all this will move me and make me change my mind? In my heart, there was only repeated agitated shouting: Why, why do you insist on clinging to me, on continuing to torment me!”

“Alright, alright, I know all about it, Mom. You don’t need to say anything more. I know.”

“I’m joining the project team tomorrow. I don’t know if I’ll come back safely, but I hope that if I do, you will no longer be a part of my life. I’ve thought it through, and I’ve made up my mind. Li Zhuiyuan, I’m going to get rid of you, this clingy burden. I’ll transfer your guardianship to your father’s side. Even though your father isn’t here, your grandparents will probably be very happy to take you in. After all, you’re a child who can get into a gifted program; you could be their family’s pride.”

“No, I don’t want that. I don’t want the others. Just send snacks and stationery, the new models, Mom.”

“I knew you wouldn’t want that. You’d still desperately cling to anything connected to me, which is why I sent you back to my hometown, a place I will never return to in my life. I’ll transfer guardianship to my father. Your household registration and academic records will all be moved there. I’m very grateful for this project, as it’s given us the convenience of fully arranging our family relationships.”

“Mom, I’m staying at Great-Grandpa Li Sanjiang’s house now. Great-Grandpa likes me and asked me to stay with him for a while. He’s very nice.”

“I know.”

“Okay, that’s all, Mom. I’m going to give the phone to Grandpa now. He wants to keep talking to you.”

Li Zhuiyuan held the microphone and waited for a while. Only after he heard footsteps departing from the other end and then new footsteps approaching, did he reluctantly hand the microphone to Li Weihan.

Li Weihan held the microphone: “Hello, Lanhou, don’t worry, Xiao Yuanhou is doing very well here. We’ll take good care of him.”

Li Zhuiyuan didn't want to stay there and watch his grandpa chat with Aunt Xu.

“Grandpa, Grandma, I’m going back to Great-Grandpa’s for dinner.”

Cui Guiying quickly said, “You’d better go back quickly, don’t keep your great-grandpa waiting. Your grandpa and I will ask your great-grandpa in a while when you can come home to us.”

“Okay, Grandma. Goodbye, Grandma. Goodbye, Grandpa. Goodbye, everyone.”

Li Zhuiyuan waved goodbye to everyone, then turned and left.

Run Sheng followed behind Li Zhuiyuan. He was very hungry, but now he dared not remind or urge the boy to walk faster. He had always felt the boy had two faces. Although the boy always called him “Brother Run Sheng,” the way he said “Brother” felt different when there were many people around compared to when it was just the two of them. The former was a respectful and enthusiastic address, while the latter sounded as if his name itself was "Brother Run Sheng."

But he wasn’t particularly curious to understand. His grandpa had told him he was foolish, so there was no point in trying to figure out what smart people were thinking. He felt the boy was in low spirits, and all he could do was walk slowly with him.

In Li Zhuiyuan’s mind, his mother’s words from the other end of the phone echoed repeatedly. What was comforting was that his mother hadn't said so much to him in one go for a long time. However, he knew that his mother’s words were not truly directed at him, her son, but rather at the “her” deep inside his mother’s heart. And his mother saw him, her son, as the cold embodiment of that inner self.

If it were him, if the emotionless reflection in the cabinet mirror were to become his child someday, he too would go mad, he too would become hysterical. All the painstaking effort and strenuous struggle to conceal and suppress that chilling coldness, in the end, transformed into a child who clung to him all day, calling him “Mom.”

At this, Li Zhuiyuan smiled. He found it amusing, like a comical, ironic, black-and-white silent film.

He stopped, squatted down by the small ditch along the road. It was already dark, and all the ditch water could reflect at that moment was a shadowy face. Li Zhuiyuan looked at this face but didn't know whose it was.

Run Sheng also squatted down beside him, silently lighting an incense stick.

Li Zhuiyuan picked up a small stone nearby and threw it at his own reflection in the water.

“Plop…”

After rippling for a moment, the water immediately returned to its original state. He knew his mother was critically ill. The phone call tonight was an act of self-abandonment for her. She was tired, she was desperate; she would completely let go of the struggle, no longer resist, she would assimilate. To think of it in a better light, this call was her final confession, though it was filled with harsh words, curses, and insults. At the same time, it indeed carried a sense of hatred, even jealousy. Her human facade was completely broken, and she also wanted to tear off her son’s facade.

So, Mom, after you’ve completely succumbed, are you looking for a kindred spirit?

Was he angry? Yes. But how intensely, Li Zhuiyuan didn't know, because he could understand. Because this was absolute rationality. She had proven through her own experience that further struggle was useless and meaningless, so she wanted to spare herself that process by using this method.

But Li Zhuiyuan was also bewildered, because she shouldn't have sent him back, shouldn't have sent him back to Nantong. Sometimes, you shouldn't just listen to what people say; you also have to look at what they do. Staying in Beijing, continuing in the gifted program, steadily progressing through studies, graduating, being assigned a job... As long as he continued to follow the routine, he could become like her sooner. She just needed to do nothing to turn him into her, because he had started exhibiting symptoms earlier than she had at that age, and his condition was much more severe.

But she still sent him back to her hometown, a place she said she would never return to in her life. Was it because this place was the last illusion you held onto in your heart? Was this your final protection and hope for me? Did you think that living here was the reason you developed your condition later than your son and were able to marry, have a child, and live a normal life for a while? Li Zhuiyuan clutched his head, his expression pained: Or was it all just my wishful thinking?

Run Sheng saw the boy’s body begin to sway back and forth; he seemed about to fall into the ditch. Li Zhuiyuan indeed wanted to fall in, to jump into the ditch, splashing the water and crying. He thought he should let off some steam at that moment. But ultimately, he stopped himself, because he felt doing so would be childish.

Li Zhuiyuan turned his face and looked at Run Sheng, who was squatting beside him. Run Sheng shivered and immediately averted his gaze. He dared not meet those eyes. Li Zhuiyuan looked at the incense stick in Run Sheng’s hand. He reached out and gently grasped the burning tip of the incense stick. A searing pain quickly spread, but the boy's face showed no expression. Until it reached a critical point.

“Hiss…”

The boy finally let go, his face contorted in pain.

“It hurts so much…”

His voice also changed to a plaintive childish tone. Run Sheng turned his head. He had just felt the trembling of the incense stick in his hand, then saw the wound on Li Zhuiyuan’s palm, and immediately said anxiously and self-reproachfully:

“I’m sorry, Xiao Yuan, I didn’t mean to, I really didn’t mean to.”

Run Sheng thought that he had accidentally burned the boy with the burning incense stick when he turned his head.

“It’s okay, Brother Run Sheng, I just grabbed it out of curiosity.”

Run Sheng’s eyes welled up with tears. Little Yuan was making up such a clumsy excuse just to prevent him from feeling guilty. He felt even more remorseful; he had actually been thinking all sorts of things, believing Xiao Yuan’s gaze just now was terrifying.

Li Zhuiyuan, meanwhile, looked at the wound on his palm. Had his condition worsened to the point of seeking self-harm?

Li Zhuiyuan stood up and said, “Brother Run Sheng, let’s go back.”

“Your wound…”

“It’s fine. I’ll ask Aunt Liu for some ointment to put on it.”

Walking home, the folks on the courtyard were still eating; they must have deliberately slowed down, waiting for him to return.

“Xiao Yuan, was that your mom’s call?”

“Yes, Great-Grandpa.”

Li Zhuiyuan sat down, picked up his chopsticks to eat, and recounted his conversation with his mother. He seemed very happy and joyful. Like all normal children, there's always a period when parents are their idols, and they constantly talk about “my dad” and “my mom” and what they do.

Li Sanjiang listened happily, interjecting occasionally. Each time, Li Zhuiyuan would answer him, which made Li Sanjiang even happier. He repeatedly tapped his bowl with his chopsticks and said, “I knew it, I knew it, hahaha.” Aunt Liu was also very pleased; her personality was already cheerful, and she was glad to see the atmosphere at home become lighter. Even Liu Yumei asked Li Zhuiyuan a few questions. She sighed inwardly, thinking that no matter how clever this child was, he couldn't escape his childish nature.

Run Sheng munched on his incense stick while eating, and seeing Li Zhuiyuan’s demeanor, he unconsciously assumed that the silence on the way home earlier was just the boy missing his mother. He had no parents, only a grandpa, so watching Li Zhuiyuan continuously recount his conversation to everyone, a look of yearning gradually appeared on his face: So, having a mother was such a happy thing.

Only A Li silently put down her chopsticks. She liked watching the boy’s expressions, but the excited, joyful boy in front of her had no light in his eyes.

After dinner, Li Zhuiyuan insisted on taking Li Sanjiang to Zheng Datong to get some medicine. Originally, an injection would have been more effective, but Li Sanjiang absolutely refused.

After they returned, everything went back to normal. Run Sheng sat in front of the television, smoking a cigarette while watching TV. Aunt Liu, after cleaning up the kitchen, busied herself coloring paper effigies. A Li, coaxed by Li Zhuiyuan, went back to her room with Grandma Liu to sleep. Li Zhuiyuan diligently finished his horse stance exercises behind the house.

When he returned to the second floor, he saw Li Sanjiang pouring laundry detergent into his hands. A basin of hot water sat on the stone slab beside the water vat, with a towel hanging nearby.

“Great-Grandpa…”

“Great-Grandpa, I’ve received good news again.”

“Congratulations.”

“Go, go, you scrawny little pest!”

“Heh heh.”

Because his mother’s call had caused a diversion, Li Zhuiyuan only now realized that the issue of his good fortune remained unresolved. Unfortunately, he couldn't ask Great-Grandpa directly, because Great-Grandpa himself didn't understand. So, what exactly was being bought and sold in this transaction that consumed so much good fortune?

Li Zhuiyuan walked back to his bedroom, turned on the desk lamp, and took out “Liu’s Art of Observing Qi.” He opened it and frowned. He missed Wei Zhengdao’s handwriting. Out of all the sets of books he had brought from the basement, Wei Zhengdao’s writings were the most comfortable for him to read.

Suppressing his discomfort, he carefully read page after page. He wasn't sure if he was gradually adapting to the charm of this 'dog-scratch' script, or if the content of “Liu’s Art of Observing Qi” was indeed profound and mysterious. The more Li Zhuiyuan read, the more absorbed he became, unable to stop.

This book discussed the geomancy of rivers, lakes, and oceans. It was a very specialized category, because 'feng shui' in the conventional sense has a broader scope, with water being just one aspect, the main focus typically being mountains and land. After all, whether for the living to reside or the dead to rest eternally, it is primarily on land. This book, however, primarily focused on water systems, encompassing water burials, water prisons, water calamities, and other related aspects, with mountains and land merely serving as supplementary information.

From a practical perspective, one could draw an analogy: If you truly understood and absorbed other feng shui books, while traveling through famous mountains and grand rivers, you might feel an intuition: “There might be an ancient tomb here.” After reading this book, when you were on a boat, standing at the bow, you might feel an occasional intuition and point: “There might be a drowned body here.”

Li Zhuiyuan didn’t rush to continue reading the Liu family’s books. Instead, he picked up “Qin’s Method of Observing Dragons” and looked at it. He found that the themes were consistent. It seemed that the Liu and Qin families had been influential families of equal standing on the river in those days. The themes were consistent, but the methods and approaches differed. This was of great benefit to a learner, as it allowed for mutual corroboration and deeper understanding. As long as he understood both books, his knowledge of river and lake geomancy would become profoundly deep.

He glanced at the time; it was his bedtime. Li Zhuiyuan put the books away, turned off the desk lamp, took his basin to shower, then returned to his bedroom, lay on the bed, folded his quilt, lay down, and went to sleep.

A quarter of an hour later, Li Zhuiyuan sat up; he couldn’t sleep. Even the strongest behavioral logic couldn't suppress the impact of his mother’s call on his inner self. He pushed open the door, walked to the veranda, sat in the rattan chair, and stared blankly at the dark night sky.

He didn't know how much time had passed. The door to the east room opened, and Liu Yumei emerged. Seeing her granddaughter about to walk out, she only had time to drape a cloak over her. Looking up, she saw the boy sitting on the second-floor balcony. Liu Yumei’s heart was filled with mixed emotions. Was it not enough to be together during the day? Were they going to play together at night too? But looking at the boy’s indifferent expression, she was somewhat confused: Wasn’t the child fine during dinner? Why was he like this now? Was he missing his mother while sleeping tonight? Although a child’s nature is a child’s nature, Liu Yumei felt that this little boy shouldn't be so fragile. His appearance was a perfect replica of her own A Li used to look when sitting behind the threshold.

Soon, she saw her granddaughter appear on the second floor. The girl sat in the rattan chair beside the boy. After a while, the girl actually took the initiative to share half of her cloak, placing it over the boy. Liu Yumei’s eyes widened. Her own granddaughter was actually taking the initiative to show concern for someone?

She had been staying at Li Sanjiang’s house for some time, but A Li’s condition had only been brought under control, not worsening, but there was no improvement whatsoever. Only after that boy moved in with her great-grandpa did A Li’s condition show signs of improvement, like water droplets finally appearing on a block of ice. But no matter how much she improved, it couldn't compare to this one day and night! First she started nodding and shaking her head to express herself, and now she could even take such proactive steps to show care. Liu Yumei looked up, holding back tears from overflowing. She had truly seen it: the hope for her granddaughter’s recovery. It seemed it wouldn't be long now.

She walked into the house, sat in front of the ancestral altar, and pointed at them: “A Li’s illness is also because of your irresponsibility. If you had just left a bit of your spiritual presence to offer traditional protection back then, A Li wouldn’t have become like this.” She picked up a handkerchief, wiped her tears, and said tearfully, “If I had known that smashing your ancestral tablets would help A Li’s condition, I would have chopped you all up and burned you for firewood a long time ago.”

Li Zhuiyuan didn't know when the girl had arrived. It seemed she had been there for a long time, as something warm was draped over his back.

“You’re here?”

The girl looked at the boy. This time, she actively reached out to hold the boy’s hand. Then, she seemed to sense something, lowered her head, and at the same time, pried open the boy’s palm. In his palm, there was a wound. The girl’s fingertips traced it. This was a rare moment of tenderness, and Li Zhuiyuan couldn't help but smile, but his smile quickly froze. Because all five of the girl’s fingers pressed entirely into his palm, and her five short nails pierced directly into his flesh.

“Hiss…”

Li Zhuiyuan cried out in pain and stood up, his body nearly twisting.

“A Li, I hurt, I hurt…”

They say all ten fingers are connected to the heart, but even the soft flesh of the palm is sensitive. The girl’s five nails were deeply embedded in his flesh and continued to press harder. The sensation was like plowing his hand with a rake. When he had knelt by the ditch earlier and deliberately grabbed the burning incense stick from Run Sheng’s hand, he hadn't truly felt pain because he hadn't been normal then. But now, he was normal. Pleading seemed useless at this moment; the girl, who usually listened to him most, appeared to ignore him. Her eyelashes fluttered, her body trembled, and the light in her eyes vanished, replaced by numbness. A dangerous aura emanated from her. Before, whenever she was about to lash out, the boy only needed to hold her hand to calm her. But now, it was his hand that was exacerbating her outburst.

Li Zhuiyuan pulled his hand away from the girl. The girl’s body gradually returned to calm, her eyelashes stopped fluttering, and her eyelids drooped. She turned and walked towards the stairs. The cloak that had covered both of them fell off. Li Zhuiyuan picked it up, intending to drape it over the girl. But as he approached again, the girl stopped, her back beginning to tremble. Li Zhuiyuan had to stop, and even took a few steps back. The girl returned to normal and continued walking, her figure disappearing down the stairs. Soon, the girl appeared in the courtyard. The door to the east room was already open, and she walked inside.

Li Zhuiyuan stood on the second floor, still holding the red cloak. Before, the girl had always loved collecting anything related to them. Now, she not only rejected physical contact with him but also shunned anything that had touched him. Li Zhuiyuan lowered his head, looking at the five bloody cuts in his palm, still bleeding. He was in pain, but he wasn’t angry; instead, he felt very guilty. He used his left hand to wipe away the blood, revealing the burn in the center. He knew why the girl had suddenly become angry. Because she discovered that the person she had pinned her hopes on, the one helping her climb out of the abyss, was actually actively walking into it. The greatest torture in this world is to first give you hope in despair, then personally extinguish that hope. She had already gotten used to it.

Li Zhuiyuan rinsed his wound, found a clean strip of cloth for a simple bandage, then returned to his bedroom. Lying on the bed, he wasn't sure if it was genuine sleepiness or a subconscious desire for everything to return to normal after a night's rest. In any case, he fell asleep. He slept very lightly, waking up many times after brief periods of sleep due to an inexplicable palpitation, but he didn't open his eyes, forcing himself to continue sleeping. Finally, after an unknown number of times, he felt a clear sensation of light through his eyelids. It was morning.

He turned his head, opened his eyes. The chair by the door was empty. Li Zhuiyuan took his washbasin and left his bedroom. Passing Great-Grandpa's room, he saw through the screen door that Great-Grandpa wasn't in bed. After washing up, he went downstairs, but couldn't find Run Sheng at the table on the first floor either. He hadn't slept in too late today, so why was everyone up so early?

Li Zhuiyuan walked into the courtyard. Aunt Liu came out of the kitchen: “Xiao Yuan, good morning. Breakfast will be ready soon.”

“Aunt Liu, where’s my Great-Grandpa?”

“The village chief came over before dawn this morning and called your Great-Grandpa to the town government, saying it was urgent. Run Sheng took your Great-Grandpa there.”

Li Zhuiyuan nodded, then looked towards the east room. Behind the threshold of the east room sat a girl in a black dress. Her feet were on the threshold, and she gazed straight ahead, utterly expressionless.

“Xiao Yuan, Xiao Yuan, hurry over here.”

That morning, her granddaughter hadn't woken up early as usual, and Liu Yumei had sensed something was wrong. After getting up and getting ready, she actually picked up a stool and sat behind the threshold. At that moment, Liu Yumei felt like the sky was falling! Now, her only hope was the boy.

Li Zhuiyuan walked towards the east room. As soon as he got a little closer, the girl’s body began to tremble, her hands involuntarily clenching slowly, and a red glow appeared deep in her eyes. Liu Yumei immediately reached out to stop Li Zhuiyuan from approaching, then knelt beside her granddaughter, whispering continuous reassurances. Her granddaughter’s reaction was more intense than when strangers used to approach her.

Li Zhuiyuan retreated a distance. After seeing the girl calm down under Grandma Liu’s soothing, he bit his lip and took a deep breath. Yes, it was just as he had thought before sleeping. After a night’s sleep, everything had returned to normal.

“What? Tell me again, I didn’t hear clearly!” Li Sanjiang sat in the Civil Affairs Bureau office, banging on the table. He had actually heard clearly, but he couldn’t believe it.

The director of the Civil Affairs Bureau and several staff members could only patiently explain it to him again, even though it was already the fourth time. They had received an urgent superior directive about a special matter requiring expedited approval, so they had arrived at the office early to wait. In truth, they too felt utterly bewildered after seeing the faxed documents. Such a thing could still happen these days?

“Elder, your name is Li Sanjiang, correct?”

“I’ve brought my ID card and household registration book. You tell me, is it or isn’t it?”

“Yes, yes, the situation is quite clear now. It just depends on whether you’re willing to sign. If you’re not, we’ll send these documents back.”

Li Sanjiang picked up the pen with a bewildered expression, and asked: “If I sign this, will Xiao Yuanhou’s household registration transfer to mine?”